It feels good to hear the voice of my best friend instead of your voice mail.
It feels good to have unexpected compliments from people at work. It’s as if I thought I can’t receive any compliments from anyone but you.
It feels good to look in the mirror and see my acne clearing up.
It feels good to wear lipstick.
It feels good to look alive.
Even though I feel drained & empty I’m cleaning myself up. Bit by bit… I’m trying to rebuild a home within me.
For me this time – not us.
I’m reclaiming myself slowly, I claiming control of my emotions. I’m creating a blue print specifically designed for me.
Within myself, I’m stripping the wallpaper & ripping out the carpet clearing out all the rooms & opening the windows to let in fresh air.
I’m opening the curtains to shed sunlight into each room & to warm the areas where you once were
I’m lighting essence sticks to chase away the bad to make room for the good.
I’m inviting in new people, new memories, new moments, new laughs & of course fresh air.
I’m gonna paint my walls yellow, I’m gonna layout floor board this time. I’m going to hang new pictures & store away our old polaroids in a box somewhere deep in the basement.
I’m gonna leave a vase on the table filled with wildflowers & leave the windows open to let in the fresh air.
Patiently waiting for each wound to heal and each scar to fade.
It’s a slow and painful process, but patience is key, unfortunately, patience is not my strongest point but being persistent is.
There was no point in me trying to build a home for us when you didn’t want to build it with me. There was no point in me waiting for up for you during the middle of the night for you to come home. There is no point in staying asleep on one side of the bed when you’re not going to sleep on the other side.
You didn’t want an “us” you just wanted me for yourself. So now, I’m gonna make this home for me.
I know I’m posting a lot of excerpts … there will be other posts soon!